I have been having a lot of emotions lately and quite frankly, it is exhausting. I feel like I need to write a lot, but I have been sitting here, just staring at my computer screen… I know I have things to say, but I don’t know what to say or how to say it.
I am exhausted. I am struggling to find motivation to do some things. I get out of bed and I can go to work, but when I get home, it is a struggle to make dinner, do the dishes, do laundry, or write my case notes. I hate admitting it. I feel lazy. I’m not lazy. I want to do things… I just feel so tired. All the damn time… I don’t know what to do. I wake up feeling tired. I struggle to sleep at night. Some nights I sleep fairly well, but I still wake up feeling so tired. I go to work and can do my job, but I get home and I just sit. My dishes will pile up before I actually do them… I hate talking about this. I feel vulnerable and that I will be judged. But I am hoping that writing about it will be helpful in a way… who knows…
I am also struggling with the emotions that come with me doing the job I am doing. I want to be helpful. I want to be the best that I can be. But some days, it feels like I am failing. Some days, I wonder if I am doing my job well. Some days, I feel like I just can’t do it. But then I also have many times where I feel like I am doing well. I feel like I am making a difference. I feel like I am doing what I am supposed to do. That up and down of emotions takes a lot out of me. I just want to do well. I want help people.
I miss the therapist I had when I was living in Torrington. Talking to him was helpful. I am setting something up to talk with him over the phone soon.
I don’t want this to sound too negative. I really am happy with my life and my job. I just hate the exhaustion. The up and down emotions exhaust me. I want to be confident that I am doing my job well and that I am helping people.