I have been having a lot of emotions lately and quite frankly, it is exhausting. I feel like I need to write a lot, but I have been sitting here, just staring at my computer screen… I know I have things to say, but I don’t know what to say or how to say it.

I am exhausted. I am struggling to find motivation to do some things. I get out of bed and I can go to work, but when I get home, it is a struggle to make dinner, do the dishes, do laundry, or write my case notes. I hate admitting it. I feel lazy. I’m not lazy. I want to do things… I just feel so tired. All the damn time… I don’t know what to do. I wake up feeling tired. I struggle to sleep at night. Some nights I sleep fairly well, but I still wake up feeling so tired. I go to work and can do my job, but I get home and I just sit. My dishes will pile up before I actually do them… I hate talking about this. I feel vulnerable and that I will be judged. But I am hoping that writing about it will be helpful in a way… who knows…

I am also struggling with the emotions that come with me doing the job I am doing. I want to be helpful. I want to be the best that I can be. But some days, it feels like I am failing. Some days, I wonder if I am doing my job well. Some days, I feel like I just can’t do it. But then I also have many times where I feel like I am doing well. I feel like I am making a difference. I feel like I am doing what I am supposed to do. That up and down of emotions takes a lot out of me. I just want to do well. I want help people.

I miss the therapist I had when I was living in Torrington. Talking to him was helpful. I am setting something up to talk with him over the phone soon.

I don’t want this to sound too negative. I really am happy with my life and my job. I just hate the exhaustion. The up and down emotions exhaust me. I want to be confident that I am doing my job well and that I am helping people.


To have kids or not to have kids!

I have had some interesting talks lately with people about having children.  I find it disturbing the sorts of comments people get when they say that they don’t want to have children! I hear things like:

*But you’d make such a great mother!

*You will want to later, I’m sure.

*Your life doesn’t have meaning until you have a child.

*What if your husband wants kids?

*But I want to have grandchildren!

*Do you hate kids?

Why do we have to comment things like that? Why can’t we accept each other and the choices we make? This is new territory for me. Growing up, I always thought I would get married and have children. I thought it was what I was “supposed to do.” I never thought I had a choice. I thought by the time I was 31 I would have been married for a while with at least 2 kids. Well that’s a big nope! And I couldn’t be happier with my life.  At this point in my life, I don’t want children… and that’s ok. Yes, I might make a good mother. Yes, my life has meaning right now, without children. If my husband really wants kids and I don’t, we probably wouldn’t be married. I feel like that is an important conversation to have before marriage. No, I don’t hate kids. I love kids. I love being around them. I work with many kids! Because I work with kids, I love that I can go home to myself. I can relax and take care of myself so that I can take care of the kiddos I work with. I love visiting my friends that have kids and spending time with them. I love children. Just because someone decides to not have kids, does not mean they hate kids. Why can’t we, as decent humans, accept decisions from other people and treat each other with respect? What is good for me may not be good for you. And that is ok.

To have kids or not to have kids!

A reflection…

It is New Year’s Day and I have been seeing posts all over facebook of people reflecting on the past year. I have seen so many people talk about how 2016 was a horrible year. However, I feel like it was pretty good.

2016 was the year that I graduated with my Master’s degree. That is something I never EVER thought would happen. When I applied for my Master’s program, I didn’t even think I would be accepted. I hadn’t done well in my undergrad and thought for sure that it would affect me continuing in my education. But I applied anyway. So so thankful I did and so thankful that I graduated. Walking across the stage, being hooded… it was all amazing. I am so thankful that I was able to do that and I am doing something that I absolutely love.

Speaking of my job, 2016 has brought me more confidence in my work. I work with two amazing counselors who are available to listen to me, guide me, help me, and teach me. Jamie and Rose have been huge blessings in my life. I am building my caseload, getting to know people in the community, going to meetings, being more confident in what I do and say. I am becoming more comfortable making phone calls and talking to parents. I have also taken on clients that are outside my comfort zone. Now, with saying this, it means that I still have a long ways to go. I will always be learning and I love that so much.

I also took my first international trip in 2016. In September I went, with Rose, to South Africa. That was the most amazing trip I have ever taken. I can’t wait to go back. I am still thinking about all of the experiences I had there. I still cannot believe that I was in Africa. It is opened up a desire to do more traveling. It has also given me the opportunity to meet people from other countries. Now I want to go to London, Singapore, Iceland, and Australia.

I am looking fondly on 2016 and looking forward to 2017 with hope. I know it is going to be another good year. I can’t wait to see how!

A reflection…

Africa part 2

I have been meaning to type this out much sooner than this… however, I have really struggled getting back into a normal routine of work and life. I have felt exhausted and just overall not feeling well. But here this is.

Monday morning came bright and early. We left Amakoekoe at 4am. There we drove. And drove. And drove. It was quite a drive from Joburg to Kruger, but the scenery was beautiful and we did make pit stops. Anyone who knows me, knows I have a hard time with long drives! Anyway, we got to Kruger too early to check into our little houses, so we went for a little drive around the park. Our first safari! We were told to not expect a lot, due to the time of day, however, we drove around anyway. When we first got to the park, we stopped on the crocodile bridge for our first glimpse of wildlife. We saw crocodiles in the river and even got to see one jumping out of the water, trying to get food. Onward into the park, we began driving around. We actually got to see some wildlife! We saw giraffes, rhinos, and elephants!! I won’t lie, I got a little teary eyed when I saw my first elephant. It was incredible. After we were able to check into our houses, which were adorable! house
As soon as we got into our house, Rose saw something scurry up the wall and was freaked out! I looked around and didn’t see anything. I thought she was crazy. I was laying down on my bed while she was cautiously looking around the room. I kept telling her she was seeing things, until I looked up to the ceiling and saw a furry head. It looked like a squirrel. He was very cute. Rose was not amused. We walked to lunch and then went to our first meeting, which was a meet and greet. Rose and I went to bed early and slept hard. We had to wake up early for safari.

Tuesday morning we woke up early to be ready to leave for safari at 6am. It was an elephant day! We got to see a young elephant pulling up a root in order to try and get some food. The land was so dry. It was very sad to see.


We also saw a lot of giraffes that day. It was amazing. We were crowding the windows trying to get the perfect picture. Each day, someone new got to sit in front. Everyone was happy to move around so that everyone could see. It was nice. After a long safari and having to change the start time of our conference, we finally got there. Our speakers were amazing and really lit a fire in my heart to learn as much as I can about sandplay.

On Thursday’s safari, we were able to see the big 5 [elephant, cape buffalo, lion, rhino, and leopard] in ONE DAY. Some people go on safari and don’t see the big five at all. We were so blessed to be able to see them all in one day.

Friday morning, when the alarm went off, I seriously considered not going on safari. I was tired. I wanted sleep. But I dragged my butt out of bed and into the shower. Boy, am I glad that I didn’t skip safari! That was the day that we saw hyena’s, wild dogs, and THOUSANDS of cape buffalo. They were crossing the street in front of us and did not stop coming. Eventually, we had to inch our way through the buffalo in order to continue on our safari. That was also the day that I got to see a baby elephant nursing on his momma! Omg!! Cesar switched spots with me in the van so I was able to take pictures and videos.


The safari’s were incredible. I could have watched the elephants for hours and hours. I didn’t ever want to stop. The conference was amazing too. The people I met will forever be a part of my life and I am so grateful.


I can’t wait to go back. I can’t wait to take the classes in California. I can’t wait to keep learning. This experience that scared me to death, turned out to be so incredible.


Africa part 2

Africa part 1…

My Africa trip was incredible. I don’t know if incredible is the right word, but that is all I can come up with right now. It never really seemed real and was very real at the same time. Several times, I said to Rose, “I can’t believe we are actually here.” Never would I have imagined going. It is something I always wanted to do, but never thought would actually happen.

The flights were long. Uncomfortable. But completely worth it. The flight from Casper to Denver was very quick and uneventful. Denver to Washington DC was longer, but I watched Titanic. Then onto Africa. We made a stop in Accra, Ghana. That was a little over a 10 hour flight. We couldn’t get off the plane in Ghana but were able to stand up and stretch a little. My feet and ankles were getting swollen. I was trying to walk and stretch as much as I could. I was very thankful for an aisle seat for that reason. I was able to get up and go to the bathroom or walk and stretch whenever I wanted, without bothering the person sitting next to me. Rose, on the other hand, was not as fortunate. She was seated next to the window, next to a person who did not stand up. At all. Both long flights. I felt so bad for her! We made it to Johannesburg in one piece and that is all that matters! We were greeted at the airport in Joburg by Celia and Pieter. Lovely people. So grateful I got to meet them and spend a week exploring with them and learning from them. We waited around for Malcolm to come pick us up. He was the driver Rose hired for us to take us from the airport to the Amakoekoe – the beautiful place we were staying at before going up to Kruger. Malcolm had brought a trainee driver with him – Silas. While driving from the airport, Rose was asking a lot of questions. It turns out that Silas and Malcolm were raised as brothers. Malcolm’s family adopted Silas when his mother died. We got to the Amakoekoe and it was beautiful. The room was nice and the grounds were beautiful. So many beautiful and fragrant flowers! I couldn’t breathe in enough of the smells. We kept the terrace door to our room open whenever we were in our room and even when we were sleeping. The breeze would blow and the jasmine would come into our room. I wished I could bottle up the smells to bring them home with me. Our first full day of being in Johannesburg, we slept. We slept so late that housekeeping came a couple times trying to clean our room. We walked around the grounds so that our room could be cleaned. Then we rested some more. Rose ended up texting Malcolm to see if he could pick us up and take us to dinner. He said he couldn’t but Silas could. We asked Silas to join us for dinner and he accepted. He took us to a western themed restaurant. The food was good and the company was great. We talked Silas’ ear off and he was a trooper! We made plans for him to pick us up the next morning to do some sightseeing around Johannesburg. He took us to the Apartheid Museum. We spent about an hour and half there. When we bought our tickets, we were issued a “white” ticket or a “non white” ticket and that determined which entrance you used. It was definitely a weird feeling. After the museum, Silas took us to Soweto and Vilakazi street. The street where Nelson Mandela lived. There were street vendors up and down the whole street, along with people asking and wanting money from us. I was very thankful we had Silas with us. Ann, who was with us, got caught up in it and probably would’ve given away all of her money if Silas wasn’t there to tell people to go away. We also got to meet Silas and Malcolm’s dad, who is a Baptist pastor in Johannesburg. He is involved in several ministries, including feeding children at the Joe Slovo camp. It is basically a squatter camp, but the people aren’t called squatters. They are called informal settlers. We got to help them feed the children. The bus that had the food in it drove up and the children came running and lined up, single file, waiting for the food. It was incredible to see. As I passed out the hot dogs, nearly every child said thank you and looked so happy. We got to walk around the camp with two ladies, one works with Pastor Willie and the other lives there. We distributed newspapers that the church puts out. It was interesting listening to them and seeing the different people. It is definitely something I will never forget. Saturday was another rest day. Sunday we went to Ceila and Pieter’s house for tea and meeting our fellow congress goers! Then it was to bed early. We were being picked up at 4am to leave for Kruger! Rose and I could not sleep a wink that night. Maybe it was because of excitement, who knows? But that made for a very long and tiring trip up to Kruger. More to come…

Africa part 1…

South Africa

Well… in 9 days I am leaving for South Africa. I can’t believe it is here. I can’t believe I am so close. We made all of our plans at the end of May and into June. Then, there was over 100 days to go until the trip. It was a distant thought. However, it is now here. And I have so many emotions going through me…

I am so nervous/scared. I have never been out of the United States before. I don’t have much experience traveling. I have never been on a long flight.

I am so excited. I have never been out of the United States before. I should have done that way before now, but here I am doing it. I am going to experience so much that I have only dreamed of. We will be going on 6 safaris. I will get to see elephants!! My favorite animal! I will get to see so many other animals. In their habitat… not in a zoo.

I am also so excited because I will be learning more about sandplay. It is fascinating and I get to learn more. In South Africa. Holy moly…

South Africa


I have thought long about this topic. When I was younger and growing up, I always thought my life was to get married and have babies. I thought that I needed to be a mother. If someone asked me if I wanted kids, I kind of scoffed and said yes and wondered to myself, why are they asking me?! Of course, I’m supposed to have kids. That thought stayed with me for a while. The more that I was asked that and auto replied, the more I really started to think about it. I honestly don’t know if I want to have children. Who am I to bring a child into the world? What if I don’t want that sort of responsibility? What happens if I have a child and he/she is incredibly screwed up for the rest of his/her life?

I hate when people ask me that question now. I respond with something like “no I don’t want kids.” Or “I am not sure if I want kids.” I always get the same responses. “You would be such a such a good mother.” Or “kids are such a blessing/kids are so cute.” It is really uncomfortable. Why can’t we be ok with women and men choosing not to have children? Why must a woman be born just to have children?