I have been wanting to write something for a while, but every time I got started, I would either get distracted and not finish, or lose my mojo and not be happy with anything I’ve written. But I enjoy telling my story to anyone who wants to read it. So I am going to try to be better about just posting and not being too critical.
Life has been so crazy lately and that isn’t a bad thing. I have been doing work in a field that I love. Sometimes it still feels like a dream… am I really here? Do I really have a full caseload? Am I really seeing progress in the children I see? Are my adult clients really telling me that I am helping them?? I really need to stop thinking like that and OWN those good feelings. YES I am here. YES I do have a full caseload. YES I am seeing progress. YES people are telling me that I am helping them. In the two years that I have been in Buffalo, I have seen a confidence in me that I have never experienced before… in my life! I have noticed that this confidence has had an effect on how I feel day to day. I feel happier. I feel free. What an incredible way to live! I have noticed that negative thoughts don’t come quite as easily anymore. That alone makes life easier.
Although, I can’t help but think about what my life would’ve been like if I had made different choices in life. Don’t get me wrong… I absolutely love my life right now. I have worked hard to get where I am. But what if…? What if I had gone to see a therapist when I was a teenager for my anxiety and self esteem issues? What if I had seen a therapist while in school and had better grades in high school and my undergrad? What if I never moved to Wyoming? What if I moved back to Michigan at the first sign of hard times while in Wyoming? It is interesting to think about, but not something to dwell on. Every choice I have made in my life has made me the person I am today and I am forever thankful for that.
I have been having these days where I am feeling more and more comfortable with being a therapist. However, it is still weird to say that “I am a therapist.” A couple of weeks ago, I had an a-ha moment yesterday in the middle of a session. It made me feel so good. It made me realize that I am starting to think like a play therapist. I was able to recognize where I was in the session and how I needed to move forward. Then today, talking with an adult client, I felt pretty comfortable. I have very little experience with adult clients, so I am thankful that I am gaining more experience. I am also excited that my confidence is up. It is a weird feeling and I still have to stop myself from feeling negative and focus on the positives.
This afternoon I was in a session that provoked a lot of thought in me. What if. How many what if’s do we go through in our daily life? What if I did better in school? What if I didn’t get into grad school? What if… what if… what if… Would you go back into the past and change something? Whether it is something big or small… would you change it? What would your life be like if you did change it? It is something that is interesting to think about. I have had some really shitty things happen to me… however, I believe that everything in my life has made me the way I am. I have learned things. I have mourned things. I have grown and I have changed. I have laughed, I have cried. I have been scared and I have been brave. As much as I would like to go back and change the bad things that have happened to me, I don’t think I would. I like the person I am today and those experiences have only made me stronger.
I have been having a lot of emotions lately and quite frankly, it is exhausting. I feel like I need to write a lot, but I have been sitting here, just staring at my computer screen… I know I have things to say, but I don’t know what to say or how to say it.
I am exhausted. I am struggling to find motivation to do some things. I get out of bed and I can go to work, but when I get home, it is a struggle to make dinner, do the dishes, do laundry, or write my case notes. I hate admitting it. I feel lazy. I’m not lazy. I want to do things… I just feel so tired. All the damn time… I don’t know what to do. I wake up feeling tired. I struggle to sleep at night. Some nights I sleep fairly well, but I still wake up feeling so tired. I go to work and can do my job, but I get home and I just sit. My dishes will pile up before I actually do them… I hate talking about this. I feel vulnerable and that I will be judged. But I am hoping that writing about it will be helpful in a way… who knows…
I am also struggling with the emotions that come with me doing the job I am doing. I want to be helpful. I want to be the best that I can be. But some days, it feels like I am failing. Some days, I wonder if I am doing my job well. Some days, I feel like I just can’t do it. But then I also have many times where I feel like I am doing well. I feel like I am making a difference. I feel like I am doing what I am supposed to do. That up and down of emotions takes a lot out of me. I just want to do well. I want help people.
I miss the therapist I had when I was living in Torrington. Talking to him was helpful. I am setting something up to talk with him over the phone soon.
I don’t want this to sound too negative. I really am happy with my life and my job. I just hate the exhaustion. The up and down emotions exhaust me. I want to be confident that I am doing my job well and that I am helping people.